((Be warned- this one got a bit angsty.))
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Ok, I admit it… I may not be UNhappy
about my single status, but I’m certainly not thrilled about it, either. And with my sister, one of my really good
friends, and several other people I know all getting married this year, and
then added to that a brief bit of boy drama not too terribly long ago, love and
relationships have really been on my mind a lot lately. (‘Lately’ here being the last month or so.)
In order for this to make any sense
at all, I need to put out some background…
First- I grew up being the ‘princess’
in my house. Granted, this princess had
her OWN sword, and preferred to ride the dragon instead of letting some stupid knight
slay it… but I was the one who loved pink, wore long dresses, and cried (dead
serious) whenever someone cut my hair, because I wanted to have it as long as
Rapunzel’s. So, fairy-tale romances have
been a staple in my literary diet since before I can remember.
Second- My mother, whom I love
dearly and respect more than any other woman I know, had a… unique situation that
I don’t really want to go into. But
suffice it to say, she didn’t love my dad when they got married. She liked him, yes- and respected him. But she didn’t really love him until much
later in their marriage. As a result, I
have heard throughout my entire life about how you don’t HAVE to ‘fall in love’ to be happily
married, that the butterflies and roses don’t really mean much in the long run,
and that ‘young love’ is not only blind, but fairly dumb as well, at least when
you let it (or the search for it) control your life.
Third- I think too much. From my other posts, this should be obvious,
but it bears repeating. I think about
EVERYTHING I do, and even everything I think about, to death. Everything I believe is true, everything I
wish and hope for, has been (and continues to be) analyzed within an inch of its
life.
So, I’m thinking about love. And I’m wondering if there really is such a
thing as happily ever after, and true love, and if there really is someone out
there who is ever going to actually reach my heart and not just my head.
Maybe, I tell myself, I’m just
being stupid. Maybe ‘love’ doesn’t exist
the way I (or most people my age) think about it. Maybe we’re all just lying to ourselves,
hoping that if we just believe that lie hard enough, we’ll find a way to lie
away all of our doubts and trick ourselves into thinking we’ve found our
answer- our ‘one true love’, if that isn’t to cheesy a line to use.
But even the thought of that idea
hurts. Whether that’s because it’s true,
and I don’t want it to be; or because a part of me knows it’s not, I don’t know for sure- and maybe I never
will. But there’s one or two more facts
about me you should know-
I’m stupid. Yeah, I’ll admit it- I’m a dumb, emotional
wreck of a stupid, stupid, girl; at least 90% of the time, if not more.
And more than that, I’m
stubborn. It’s genetic, and it’s a trained behavior. I was never raised to quit on the things I believe
in (unless quitting is the smart thing to do- and I think we already established
I’m NOT really all that smart. Ever.)
So maybe fairy tales aren’t true,
in any sense of the word. Maybe true
love with butterflies and rainbows and roses (and maybe a white horse or two) doesn’t actually exist, and somewhere down the road, I’ll look back and realize
what an idiot I’ve been for so many years.
But until then, I’m going to keep on being stupid and stubborn, thank
you very much. Why? Because I want to; because I need to. I need a dream to hold onto, I need to have
faith in something beyond my understanding of the world. Because as slim as the chances may be- maybe, just maybe…
And maybe ‘just maybe’ is enough.
