I read in my art history class that Michelangelo was once described as having a brilliant soul- of being able to achieve a sense of intense euphoric joy and a near-frenzy of creative passion, during which he was incredibly prolific in his artistic endeavors. These episodes of intense creativity were nearly always followed by a slump of deep, bottomless depression, however.
On a slightly related subject, in my Psychology class I read a quote saying that every brilliant mind, every innovative genius that we hold in the highest regard would likely never pass a psychological exam.
While these comments may seem quite random, I do have a purpose in referencing them – because, you see, I relate to this description of Michelangelo’s ‘brilliant soul’ in a very personal way. The idea of reaching that intense creative and inspirational high, often followed by a dark depressive slump is one I have experienced in great detail.
Many people who do not know me well have referred to me as an ‘ice queen’ – reserved, quiet, nearly unemotional, and socially cool and distant to a fault. To the contrary- I am a highly volatile person, who underneath the façade of control is a virtual power-house of emotions. Those who know me perhaps a bit too well have occasionally expressed concern about the wide range and intensity of my emotions; that it might not be entirely healthy for me to live on this ‘roller-coaster ride’ of emotional experiences.
This blog is supposed to be about saying things that I wouldn’t ordinarily tell people to their faces, so I’m going to do just that.
First of all- I don’t think I’m crazy. Yes, I’m highly emotional. Yes, I’m very volatile, and I tend to overreact to emotionally charged situations. No, I don’t see this as a bad thing.
I spent a good portion of my teen years suppressing my emotions; carefully building that mask that people see- the one that makes them think I’m a very calm, rational person all of the time. (I am some of the time… but not always when you think I am.) I was under the impression that it wasn’t okay for me to be angry; it wasn’t okay for me to feel pain; for me to be lonely, or to experience any kind of negative emotion. Why? Because it wasn’t socially acceptable to express those emotions.
My impression was –and to a point still is- that it is simply not considered acceptable in my family for you to look at someone, inform them you are angry, or sad, etc. etc. without giving them a reason. If there is no logical reason, then there is something ‘wrong’ with that emotion. Its ‘stupid’, or ‘ridiculous’, and essentially a complete and utter waste of time. To a point, this is true in most of society – it’s part of the stereotypical ‘girl’ that drives men crazy. She’s a constant roller-coaster of illogical emotion, driving everyone around her completely batty. If you feel something, society tells us, there must be a reason- however obscure it may be.
So, long story short- I started locking my emotions away, safely out of sight. There’s only one thing wrong with that- I have discovered from my own experience that emotions are all interconnected. You cannot suppress your anger, fear, and sorrow without also suppressing your joy, contentedness, and love. You have to be able to experience that darkness in order to understand the light.
So in the recent years, I started to embrace it- the good, the bad, all together. And yeah, the ride gets crazy sometimes and I almost wish I could just shut it off and go back to locking everything away in a box. But it wouldn’t be worth it- not by a long shot.
Emotion is at the root of my best creativity. Even my darkest moments can –and have- been used to create something at one point or another. There is a sort of beauty that few people (if any- I may just be the only one) can see in the darkness of despair or the explosiveness of anger. The sheer intensity of these feelings can inspire and evoke wondrous creativity in their outlet. Emotions are incredibly powerful. Do they need to be controlled, so that they don’t overcome your entire life? Yes, of course. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t accept them, embrace them, and learn to see them for what they can become.
I am not the happy, bubbly, sunshine-and-daisies kind of person who is always uplifting and inspiring. I am the fire and ice, steel and roses kind of person who is a veritable nightmare to try and understand at any given moment. And you know what? That’s who I am, and I have no intention of changing any time soon. This contradictory, both radiant and despondent, illuminated darkness (yes, this is an oxymoron), sheer experience that I get to see, touch, and taste every moment of every day is one heck of a ride. It drives my parents crazy, my sisters nuts, and few of my friends do –or even want to try to- understand it in any measure. But it’s what makes me myself, and if I tried to shut it off, diagnose it and medicate it away for some reason, I would lose something that shapes my very existence.
I am an artist, a dreamer, and a brilliant soul. I am capable of experiencing the greatest of joy, with all of the exquisite radiance of hope and love that the human mind is capable of comprehending; and then turning around and tasting the dark, bitter intensity of the deepest shadowy bleakness; occasionally all in the same day. And yes, maybe I do dance on the knife’s edge of madness- but I seem to have great company.
This is who I am - and I will not change for you or anyone else.
