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It’s not that I hate change, it’s just that… well, let me start from the beginning. I don’t really like change.
I don’t get attached to places. I guess it was because I moved around so much when I was little, or that even what my family did settle down we traveled every summer. I was with a friend a while ago and we went by the place where we met and first began our friendship; we hadn’t been there in some time, and she started to cry. I had no idea why, but apparently, it was because she had missed the place itself so much, even though she was still strongly connected to the people she met there. I guess this confused me because the place itself held no substance to me - it was the people I met there.
Throughout the times I have moved and things have changed, I have stayed close to people. They are the one constant that keeps me emotionally stable and secure. I could travel and move around the rest of my life if I had to. In fact, I don’t like staying in the same place or same situation for too long. I don’t like feeling trapped. But I would absolutely loathe a life alone. I have to have someone (or multiple someones) to be with me- to keep me strong, and to guide me.
Becca has told me I remind her of a butterfly- very beautiful, but with no solid direction in life. (She assures me that direction isn’t all that important when you can bring joy to other people.) The people I spend time with give me a much-needed anchor from which to build my life.
So- on to why I hate change. I hate losing people, or seeming to lose them. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the change I hate is when my relationships to people change. I take it very hard when someone seems to grow distant. I start wondering all kinds of things – blaming myself, what did I do wrong, is there any way I can fix it? Even though it may just be a natural part of life, with no one to blame except life itself, I still take it very personally. I’m terrified when things change so that my position in the hearts of people I care about grows smaller. I hold people very close. I need them, and can’t do without at least one person who can always be there for me.
So, this is a bit of a ramble, but I guess what I need to say is I could travel the world over, live in any situation, but I couldn’t do it alone. I would need someone with me at all times, to share the experience with. Someone to come home to. Or someone to come home to me.
I realize reading over this that I sound like just a needy…. Girl. But no, I don’t need people all the time, on a physical level, holding my hand every step of the way. I just need what everyone else needs- to know that I am loved, unconditionally, permanently. Give me that, and I think I could handle anything.
